From the moment that we knew we were pregnant, I knew how I wanted to birth this baby - to welcome him in my arms and to keep him warm and safe at my bosom the moment he enters the world, something I could not do for my daughter.

I had done all the pre-natal homework to increase my chances for a VBAC - vaginal birth after cesarean. I got on onto an email group and found out all about VBAC. I practised pre-natal yoga throughout pregnancy to inch baby into a favourable position for birth. I kept a low carbo diet to keep baby's size in check - Glucose Intolerance runs in the family. I found a doctor who would support my attempt. I engaged a doula to give me and my husband, Burt, the emotional support throughout the pregnancy. Most importantly, Burt believed that I could do it.

25 June 2005

One day before my birthday. Everyone thought that it would be nice if I birthed tomorrow but I never believed in sharing the same birth date or month. Consciously, I knew I was not ready to birth until July. However, I was feeling fatigued by the external pressures that people were giving me. As much as I wanted to hold my baby, I was savouring every little kick and nudge he gave me, for I know I will miss having him to myself only.

1 July 2005

I am feeling light-hearted, somehow I knew 'it' would happen today as I have crossed the psychological barrier. Baby is four days past due date, just like his sister. For the whole afternoon, the baby was very restless. He kept kicking and nudging. My Braxton Hicks became very strong and intense. However, I felt no pain. I also had very loose stools throughout the afternoon and had to go to the toilet many times.

5 pm
I was on my way to pick my daughter when I felt a "real" contraction. I kept quiet about it and breathed throughout the mild tightening. Instead, Burt and I went to MacDonald's to get some chicken nuggets for my daughter and myself. I was mentally prepared for a long labour - from my birth experience with my daughter, hence, the need to eat and conserve energy. The next contraction did not come till an hour later. After dinner, I suggested an evening stroll to help speed things up.

10 pm
After settling my daughter to bed, I began watching DVDs to help me through the irregular tightenings. I still kept Burt in the dark. I did not want to send him into a frenzy with the false alarms. Something tells me that I have to eat. Burt went out to get supper for me.

11 pm
I wasn't sure if things were going to progress well. Nevertheless, I called Ginny to inform her since I was awake and still able to think with a clear head. I did not want to catch her off guard. She told me to get some rest and keep her informed, and assured me that I can do it.

2 July 2005

12 am
I hopped into bed. I lay in bed as the tightenings got stronger. I kept my stopwatch and alarm clock beside me. Every time I felt a tightening, I started my stopwatch and breathed deeply through it. I recorded that it was around 6 minutes apart. Burt went to bed and got some sleep. At one point, I was vocalizing so loudly that I woke my daughter up. She turned to me and said, "Mummy, what's happening to you?" She sounded really concerned. I assured her that I was all right and told her to go back to sleep.

3 am
I was not able to sleep the past three hours. I lay by my side and hugged my bolster with each tightening. In my mind, I envisaged that my cervix thinning and opening up with every tightening.

"Each tightening has a purpose", I would tell myself. I kept reminding myself that it was a mind over matter thing. Now, with each tightening, I moaned deeply, riding its ebb and peak. I let my body and instinct took over. I was determined to labour as long as I could at home. At this point, I decided to take a hot shower to ease the discomfort. The hot shower worked wonders. In the meantime, Burt got up and decided to telephone my cousins over to baby-sit my daughter.

4.15 am
I moved over to another room to continue labouring. I sat on the bed and hugged the birth ball with each tightening. Somehow, it did not work for me. I proceeded to lie on my side. This time, lying down didn't work anymore. I got up and sat on a stool and leaned against a pillow on the dresser. With each tightening, I pushed against the dresser. It felt much better. I was so focused on what was happening to me that I wasn't timing anymore. Burt asked if I wanted to go to the hospital. (Actually, he was afraid that I would wake the neighbours up with the shaking of the dresser and the loud vocalizing ;-)) I refused. I feared that I would cave in to drugs for relief. With each tightening, I cried out loud my prayer to God for strength to ride this through. Burt called Ginny to update her on my situation. He was to monitor me again for the next half hour. Meanwhile, he massaged my back and applied pressure on the aching back throughout each tightening.

4.38 am
Burt telephoned Ginny again to ask her to come over. It seemed that my labour has progressed quite quickly. I had felt urges to push but I kept breathing through it. Something tells me that I was not ready to push.

5.43 am
Ginny arrived. The taxi driver got lost along the way and had to consult the street directory to get to our place. Talk about bad timing to get lost! Ginny assured me that I was doing well and wanted to monitor me through the next few contractions before deciding if we were going to the hospital. With the next two contractions, I felt strong urges to push and wanted to go to the hospital.

After a tightening, I quickly got up to pee and get changed. A show on my panties! I was happy as I haven't had one with my daughter. Ginny anticipated that my membranes would rupture in the car and told Burt to get pillows and towels ready. I got up to run to the car after a contraction. Half-way down the stairs, I had a tightening and hugged Ginny real tight. She was a pillar of strength. She kept assuring me that I was doing fine.

In the car, Ginny instructed me to get onto the backseat on the all fours position, she knelt on the floor and continued supporting me. She instructed me to blow air through my mouth with each contraction as I was already pushing. At each tightening, I would pull the seat belt and stick my buttocks up. It was all very primal. Burt was speeding. Ginny kept assuring me. She turned on the lights in the car and proceeded to remove my panty to check if she could see the baby's head. She assured me that we could make it in time to the hospital.

6.11 am
The membranes ruptured with a "pop" in the car. She informed me that the waters were clear and proceeded to pull up my panty as Burt pulled into the hospital.

6.15 am
We finally arrived! The hospital nurses were ready with a wheelchair as Ginny had informed them earlier that we were arriving. She assured me that I could stay in the car and ride another tightening if I wanted to. After a tightening, I immediately hopped onto the wheelchair and was wheeled to the delivery ward. No time for admission procedures! I immediately got onto an all fours position on the bed in the ward. Sr Lim asked to do a VE and I agreed. Sr. Lim reported that the baby's head was just sitting down there and proceeds to inform Dr Paul Tseng. I remained in that position and buried my face into the pillows with each tightening.

6.19 am
Burt came into the room after settling the admissions. Ginny informed him that it will be soon that baby will be born. In between pushes, I took sips of water. At this point, the baby's head was visible and Ginny took out her mirror so that I could peek at the head whenever I could. Those moments were priceless. The nurses were stationed in the room, anticipating the baby's arrival. Ginny informed me of the progress with each push. It was very assuring to know that with each contraction and pain, I could see the end point of holding the baby. Everyone was quiet - there was no one telling me when or how to push. I just went with the urges from my body. With each push and grunt, more of his head emerged.

6.30 am
After a few pushes, I could finally hear baby's cries! I burst into tears. I finally birthed my son the way nature intended - vaginally, without drugs! Sr. Lim immediately put baby in my arms and I started nursing. Dr. Paul Tseng walked in shortly and was greeted with smiles and baby at my bosom.

After-thought

I knew that if I wasn't psychologically ready, labour will not happen. After all, giving birth is something very primal and natural - God designed us to be able to birth and then, the ability to feed the baby. With this thought, I found labour to be very manageable and very instinctive (deep down, I think I enjoyed it J ). I listened to my body and my inner voice. I was alert and clear-headed throughout the experience and wouldn't want to have it any other way.

I am very thankful and grateful that everything went right in this birth experience. It could not have happened if God had not intended for it to happen and if Burt and Ginny did not believe I could I do it.